peach fuzz and being lonly

I just shaved my entire body.
I was getting anxiety.
I hate body hair and peach fuzz.
Why does it even exist?
It's stupid.

I'm sitting here all alone.
Except for my cats. (Eon and Poppy)
My love is in California.
My mom and sisters are in D.C.
And my dad is in Oklahoma.

I have been feeling weird today.
Every once in a while I get this feeling in my throat.
It's like there is a cotton ball stuck in there.
And I feel like I am going to cry.
And I don't know why I'm feeling like this.

I have been doing okay with my eating.
I do pretty good during the day.
It's always the night that gets me.
I'm so hungry at night I just have to give in.
But I love to feel hungry and water can fill me up.

I feel anxious.
I hate being in bed alone.
I am starting to get a headache.
I drank a lot of water today and I feel really full.
I just feel lost, fat, stupid, ugly, worthless.

I suck.

I haven't had any chance to get on.

I have been having a pretty bad week.

I ate a bunch yesterday because My love took me out to eat and to a movie.

I think it's because we had a fight Friday.

And he is leaving for business tomorrow.

:(

I hate when he leaves.

I won't have to eat anything until he gets back on Thursday.

So I guess that is good.

But still.

It's lonely without him.

Tired!

I missed posting yesterday.

Blah.

It wasn't a great day.

Due to the fact that my juicer broke I'm not going to be able to go on a juice fast.

BLAGH!

So instead I'm on a 100% raw fruit&veggie fast.

No more than 300 cals a day.

My love says I'm not allowed to drink if I don't eat.

So I may or may not be drinking during my fast.

Ha

Today was pretty good.

My mom and sisters (all but 2) left for 3 weeks which was sad.

But I will be able to lose weight without my family worrying or commenting.

I am bummed though.

They are pretty awesome.

I went to the store today and got enough fruits and veggies for my fast.

And soy milk.

I also bought a pair of extra small pants from Victoria's Secret online.

They will be here in about a week.

My goal is to be small enough to fit in them when they come.

new start

I ate so much today.
I want to explode.
I think it's because I had a fight with my love.
I feel like a giant cow.
I am going crazy.

My love says he can't handle an eating disorder.
I say I don't have one.
He asks what I ate yesterday.
I tell him.
He gets mad.

Starting tomorrow I am going on a fast.
Only 100% juice.
And water.
And lettuce.
Nothing else.

I am going to have a hard time with this.
My love already told me I was not allowed to do it.
But I am going to do it anyway.
If I don't get the fat out of my body I am going to kill myself.
I can't handle it anymore.

I am starting my fast tomorrow.
I'm going for five days to start.
Then I will see how much I weigh.
Then I will do another fast for ten days.
After that I will not take in more than 500 cal a day.

?????

Long day of doing nothing.
Tired.

I was good today.
I only had a cup of tea in the morning. (65 cal)
A grilled chicken breast and a diet pepsi for lunch. (281 cal)
Five mints for dinner. (75 cal)
421 still less than my daily goal of 500.

Today was a bad day.
I am depressed and I don't know why.
When will things change?

overload

I feel like I'm an idiot for needing to tell my messed up pathetic story to the vast emptiness that is the internet, but I feel like I will explode..... or implode..... or die..... or have a psychotic melt down..... or just cut my arm right off.....
I don't get it.
I did really good good today.
I had a cup of tea for breakfast (10 cal),
16oz of crystal light for lunch (5 cal),
A soft chicken taco for dinner (210 cal).
225 cal is well below my daily goal.
I just feel like I'm empty and alone.
My love is asleep right beside me and still I feel this way.
What is wrong with me?

rewind

Where did I go crazy?
I see people who are only bone with skin painted on and I want it to be me.
I want the satisfaction of double digits instead of triples.
I live for the high from hunger.
I crave the look on someones face that tells me they can almost see through me.
I am looking in the mirror and only seeing flaws. ugly. fat. stupid. sad. lost. alone.
Where did my mind and sanity leave me?
My love asks me, "Why? What makes you think this way?"
How can I answer him when I don't even know.
I am so in love with him and so in hate with myself.
He says he loves me back but how can he?
How can he stand me? a total mess. a disgusting waste. a lush. a lost hope. a coward.