real

I need to start being realistic.

The goals I set for myself are not realistic.

They are just the numbers that I crave to see.

I need to change things up so that I actually have a chance.

I just need a break from disappointment and sadness.

starting over

This has been hard.
Life is shitty sometimes.
I just don't get it.
If I am feeling this bad,
Then how must everybody else be feeling.

Monday was normal.
I just sat around feeling depressed .
I didn't eat much.
I just felt sad for some reason.
I was being a baby.

Tuesday was where it all went bad.
I decided to deep clean the house.
I cleaned everything, every room.
I even mopped the floors.
I was almost done when my mom called me.

My sisters boyfriend, Brandon, was in an open top jeep with three of his friends.
His best friends was driving, they were leaving football practice.
He tried to peel out of the parking lot and lost control.
The jeep rolled, Brandon was thrown out of the jeep, the car landed on him.
He was taken to the hospital, he was stayed in intensive care.

There was a candle light vigil held for him Tuesday night.
I went to support my sister.
His coach spoke and said some great things.
There were so many people there.
Everyone there to pray that he got better.

Wednesday I went and worked out.
On my way home I saw someone riding a bike get hit by a car.
It freaked me out and I called 911 but they said someone already called.
I went to my mom's house.
They told me that Brandon was breathing on his own.

I went home and my love and I argued about something.
My sister called me as I was getting in the shower.
Brandon died.
His family had take him off life support.
He was only 18.

I cried.
My sister cried.
My mom cried.
It rained .
It felt like everything was sad.

Thursday I was depressed.
I don't handle death very well.
I don't handle sadness very well.
My love said we could just relax all day.
We were watching Project Runway when my dad called me.

Dad: How are you?
Me: Depressed, it's been a hard few days.
Dad: I know. This has been really crappy.
Me: How are you?
Dad: I'm good. It's been a good day but a sad day.
Me: I know. I don't think I can take any more bad news.
Dad: Yeah, Hey I just wanted to tell you that John killed himself earlier this week.
Me:
Dad: I wanted to tell you so you didn't hear it from someone else.
Me: *crying*
Me: Why did you tell me that now?
Me: I'm so depressed this was not a good time to tell me.
Dad: I know. But I felt that I needed to tell you.
Dad: He left a message with Mike to tell you that he was sorry for everything.
Me: *crying harder*
Dad: You don't have to go to the funeral if you don't want to.
Me: When is it?
Dad: I'm not sure but I'll let you know.
Dad: I'm going to Vegas tomorrow.
Me: I can't take this now. It's too much.
Dad: Okay. Don't tell your mom I want to call her.
Me:
Dad: I'll talk to you later.
Me: Bye.
Dad: Bye.

John was a close friend of our family's.
I have known him for probably 15 years.
I worked for him at one point.
He had a lot of problems with drugs and alcohol.
But he was a good guy.

My family and I went to his funeral today
My love came with me.
There weren't very many people there.
I cried when they brought the casket in.
His family looked so sad.

One of the guys who spoke said that he had been to a lot of other funerals.
And that they were all much more sad than this one.
I hated him.
Suicide is really hard for family and friends to deal with.
Who was he to say this wasn't sad.

Brandon's funeral is tomorrow.
It's going to be so hard.
He was so young.
He was a good kid.
He had 6 younger brothers and sisters.

I am changing my life.
Life is too short to live sad and depressed.
I can't live if I'm not perfect in my own mind.
I am a lost emotional wreck.
I have to feel better, feeling better means being skinny.

starting over

The last few weeks have been hard.
I have been really depressed.
I'm starting new.
Starting over.
Today.

I am making new goals.
I am starting a new fast.
I am going to stick to me new fast.
I am going to reach my ultimate goal weight.
I am going to be happy with myself one day.

I'm not going to drink tonight because I took a pill.
I can't see straight so I think that means I should go lie down.
I feel like I'm floating.
With every breath I take I feel something fluttering in my chest.
My fingers feel like they ave minds of their own.

I'm not thinking straight.
Sometimes I think/know I'm losing my mind.
I hope it not true.
I don't think I could live as a crazy person.
I am probably making no sense at all.

It's late and I have a bunch of shit to do tomorrow.
I will write tomorrow and update all the time I missed.
I have to keep writing.
It gives me motivation to stay hungry.
I have to stay hungry.

peach fuzz and being lonly

I just shaved my entire body.
I was getting anxiety.
I hate body hair and peach fuzz.
Why does it even exist?
It's stupid.

I'm sitting here all alone.
Except for my cats. (Eon and Poppy)
My love is in California.
My mom and sisters are in D.C.
And my dad is in Oklahoma.

I have been feeling weird today.
Every once in a while I get this feeling in my throat.
It's like there is a cotton ball stuck in there.
And I feel like I am going to cry.
And I don't know why I'm feeling like this.

I have been doing okay with my eating.
I do pretty good during the day.
It's always the night that gets me.
I'm so hungry at night I just have to give in.
But I love to feel hungry and water can fill me up.

I feel anxious.
I hate being in bed alone.
I am starting to get a headache.
I drank a lot of water today and I feel really full.
I just feel lost, fat, stupid, ugly, worthless.

I suck.

I haven't had any chance to get on.

I have been having a pretty bad week.

I ate a bunch yesterday because My love took me out to eat and to a movie.

I think it's because we had a fight Friday.

And he is leaving for business tomorrow.

:(

I hate when he leaves.

I won't have to eat anything until he gets back on Thursday.

So I guess that is good.

But still.

It's lonely without him.

Tired!

I missed posting yesterday.

Blah.

It wasn't a great day.

Due to the fact that my juicer broke I'm not going to be able to go on a juice fast.

BLAGH!

So instead I'm on a 100% raw fruit&veggie fast.

No more than 300 cals a day.

My love says I'm not allowed to drink if I don't eat.

So I may or may not be drinking during my fast.

Ha

Today was pretty good.

My mom and sisters (all but 2) left for 3 weeks which was sad.

But I will be able to lose weight without my family worrying or commenting.

I am bummed though.

They are pretty awesome.

I went to the store today and got enough fruits and veggies for my fast.

And soy milk.

I also bought a pair of extra small pants from Victoria's Secret online.

They will be here in about a week.

My goal is to be small enough to fit in them when they come.

new start

I ate so much today.
I want to explode.
I think it's because I had a fight with my love.
I feel like a giant cow.
I am going crazy.

My love says he can't handle an eating disorder.
I say I don't have one.
He asks what I ate yesterday.
I tell him.
He gets mad.

Starting tomorrow I am going on a fast.
Only 100% juice.
And water.
And lettuce.
Nothing else.

I am going to have a hard time with this.
My love already told me I was not allowed to do it.
But I am going to do it anyway.
If I don't get the fat out of my body I am going to kill myself.
I can't handle it anymore.

I am starting my fast tomorrow.
I'm going for five days to start.
Then I will see how much I weigh.
Then I will do another fast for ten days.
After that I will not take in more than 500 cal a day.

?????

Long day of doing nothing.
Tired.

I was good today.
I only had a cup of tea in the morning. (65 cal)
A grilled chicken breast and a diet pepsi for lunch. (281 cal)
Five mints for dinner. (75 cal)
421 still less than my daily goal of 500.

Today was a bad day.
I am depressed and I don't know why.
When will things change?

overload

I feel like I'm an idiot for needing to tell my messed up pathetic story to the vast emptiness that is the internet, but I feel like I will explode..... or implode..... or die..... or have a psychotic melt down..... or just cut my arm right off.....
I don't get it.
I did really good good today.
I had a cup of tea for breakfast (10 cal),
16oz of crystal light for lunch (5 cal),
A soft chicken taco for dinner (210 cal).
225 cal is well below my daily goal.
I just feel like I'm empty and alone.
My love is asleep right beside me and still I feel this way.
What is wrong with me?

rewind

Where did I go crazy?
I see people who are only bone with skin painted on and I want it to be me.
I want the satisfaction of double digits instead of triples.
I live for the high from hunger.
I crave the look on someones face that tells me they can almost see through me.
I am looking in the mirror and only seeing flaws. ugly. fat. stupid. sad. lost. alone.
Where did my mind and sanity leave me?
My love asks me, "Why? What makes you think this way?"
How can I answer him when I don't even know.
I am so in love with him and so in hate with myself.
He says he loves me back but how can he?
How can he stand me? a total mess. a disgusting waste. a lush. a lost hope. a coward.