real

I need to start being realistic.

The goals I set for myself are not realistic.

They are just the numbers that I crave to see.

I need to change things up so that I actually have a chance.

I just need a break from disappointment and sadness.

starting over

This has been hard.
Life is shitty sometimes.
I just don't get it.
If I am feeling this bad,
Then how must everybody else be feeling.

Monday was normal.
I just sat around feeling depressed .
I didn't eat much.
I just felt sad for some reason.
I was being a baby.

Tuesday was where it all went bad.
I decided to deep clean the house.
I cleaned everything, every room.
I even mopped the floors.
I was almost done when my mom called me.

My sisters boyfriend, Brandon, was in an open top jeep with three of his friends.
His best friends was driving, they were leaving football practice.
He tried to peel out of the parking lot and lost control.
The jeep rolled, Brandon was thrown out of the jeep, the car landed on him.
He was taken to the hospital, he was stayed in intensive care.

There was a candle light vigil held for him Tuesday night.
I went to support my sister.
His coach spoke and said some great things.
There were so many people there.
Everyone there to pray that he got better.

Wednesday I went and worked out.
On my way home I saw someone riding a bike get hit by a car.
It freaked me out and I called 911 but they said someone already called.
I went to my mom's house.
They told me that Brandon was breathing on his own.

I went home and my love and I argued about something.
My sister called me as I was getting in the shower.
Brandon died.
His family had take him off life support.
He was only 18.

I cried.
My sister cried.
My mom cried.
It rained .
It felt like everything was sad.

Thursday I was depressed.
I don't handle death very well.
I don't handle sadness very well.
My love said we could just relax all day.
We were watching Project Runway when my dad called me.

Dad: How are you?
Me: Depressed, it's been a hard few days.
Dad: I know. This has been really crappy.
Me: How are you?
Dad: I'm good. It's been a good day but a sad day.
Me: I know. I don't think I can take any more bad news.
Dad: Yeah, Hey I just wanted to tell you that John killed himself earlier this week.
Me:
Dad: I wanted to tell you so you didn't hear it from someone else.
Me: *crying*
Me: Why did you tell me that now?
Me: I'm so depressed this was not a good time to tell me.
Dad: I know. But I felt that I needed to tell you.
Dad: He left a message with Mike to tell you that he was sorry for everything.
Me: *crying harder*
Dad: You don't have to go to the funeral if you don't want to.
Me: When is it?
Dad: I'm not sure but I'll let you know.
Dad: I'm going to Vegas tomorrow.
Me: I can't take this now. It's too much.
Dad: Okay. Don't tell your mom I want to call her.
Me:
Dad: I'll talk to you later.
Me: Bye.
Dad: Bye.

John was a close friend of our family's.
I have known him for probably 15 years.
I worked for him at one point.
He had a lot of problems with drugs and alcohol.
But he was a good guy.

My family and I went to his funeral today
My love came with me.
There weren't very many people there.
I cried when they brought the casket in.
His family looked so sad.

One of the guys who spoke said that he had been to a lot of other funerals.
And that they were all much more sad than this one.
I hated him.
Suicide is really hard for family and friends to deal with.
Who was he to say this wasn't sad.

Brandon's funeral is tomorrow.
It's going to be so hard.
He was so young.
He was a good kid.
He had 6 younger brothers and sisters.

I am changing my life.
Life is too short to live sad and depressed.
I can't live if I'm not perfect in my own mind.
I am a lost emotional wreck.
I have to feel better, feeling better means being skinny.