choking on air and the number5: real

Thursday, August 5, 2010

real

I need to start being realistic.

The goals I set for myself are not realistic.

They are just the numbers that I crave to see.

I need to change things up so that I actually have a chance.

I just need a break from disappointment and sadness.

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Stats

(updated every goal date)

8/1/10

Calves----- 13in
Thighs----- 21 in
Butt----- 36in
Hips----- 32in
Waist----- 27in
Bust----- 31in
Lower Arm----- 8in
Upper Arm----- 10in

8/10/10

Calves-----
Thighs-----
Butt-----
Hips-----
Waist-----
Bust-----
Lower Arm-----
Upper Arm-----

8/20/10

Calves-----
Thighs-----
Butt-----
Hips-----
Waist-----
Bust-----
Lower Arm-----
Upper Arm-----

8/30/10

Calves-----
Thighs-----
Butt-----
Hips-----
Waist-----
Bust-----
Lower Arm-----
Upper Arm-----

9/10/10

Calves-----
Thighs-----
Butt-----
Hips-----
Waist-----
Bust-----
Lower Arm-----
Upper Arm-----

9/20/10

Calves-----
Thighs-----
Butt-----
Hips-----
Waist-----
Bust-----
Lower Arm-----
Upper Arm-----

Body Info and Goals

Hight} 5'7.5"
HW} 155lbs
LW} 105lbs
CW} 138lbs (8/1/10)
GW 1} 135lbs {} (8/10/10)
GW 2} 130lbs {} (8/20/10)
GW 3} 125lbs {} (8/30/10)
GW 4} 120lbs {} (9/10/10)
UGW 5} 115lbs {} (9/20/10)

GW 1} When reached I can, Eat an extra 100 cals.
(only 100 cals, only on 8/10)

GW 2} When reached I can, 1. Buy one item from the clearance rack at Charlotte of Forever 21. (under $15) 2. Get a small daiquiri ice with Nina.

GW 3} When reached I can, 1. spend $35 on VictoriasSecret.com. 2. Get a small frozen yogurt with Nina.
3. Start wearing my pink mini shorts.

GW 4} When reached I can, 1. Increase my daily intake by 100 cals. 2. get a small lime & gummy bear ice cream from SubZero with Nina. 3. Go on a 'before school' mini vacation. (depending on school money) 4. Order my engagement ring.

UGW 5} When reached I can, 1.take update pictures. 2. Sign up with Sprint and get the Evo in white. 3. Go on a before school shopping spree. (spending under $300) 4. Day date with the girls. 5. Pierce my belly.

More About Me

What I can remember of my childhood was pretty hard.

Nothing too extreme but still hard. I am the oldest of five girls.

My dad was tough on me from the beginning.

He was always getting mad at me, or telling me I was doing something wrong.

When I was 15 my dad told me he thought I would be pregnant before I was 18.

I hadn’t even gone on a date.

I didn't go on my first date until I was 18.

I love my dad too but he made life pretty hard.

He was really bad to my mom.

He never really hit us but he was mentally and verbally abusive.

I'm not blaming my dad for the way I am and I never really have.

He loved my younger sister (the middle girl).

To him she was perfect.

While we were all growing up he always compared me to her and I was never good enough.

He always introduced her as his beautiful daughter and I was just the oldest.

On my 15th birthday my dad took her on a behind the scenes safari tour at the San Diego zoo.

The day before my 17th birthday they left for a three week tour of Europe.

I love my mom.

She is one of my best friends.

My mom had the worst life imaginable.

From the time she was a little girl her mother abused her and her little sister in every way possible.

She beat my mom and her sister almost to death multiple times.

She let her much older male friends have sex with them for money.

When my mom was older she married my dad who wasn't a great husband.

When she was nine months pregnant with me they went out and he got mad and made her walk a mile and a half home.

My mom suffers from severe PTSD, severe anxiety, and depression.

She pretty much raised us all on her own (My dad traveled a lot for work.) while working a full time job as a successful writer, and homeschooling us.

No matter how bad things had been for her she did everything she could to give us the best life possible.

When I was living at home I didn't make her life easy.

All the hurt I felt from my dad I took out on my mom.

I was so mad that I couldn't make him love me more and that I wasn't good enough for him.

My mom was always there to try and make me feel better but I treated her like shit.

It's the biggest regret I have in my life.

I always fought her, and it wasn't until I moved out that we became so close.

I wasted all that time treating her so poorly.

My parents finally got divorced in a few years ago.

As much as a relief that was, it still hit me hard.

I was depressed for a while when that happened.

My mom has always blamed herself for the way I feel.

She thinks it's her fault because she couldn't change my dad.

I live with my boyfriend (my love).

I am able to regulate my own intake.

My love tries to make me eat all the time but I'm an adult so he can't really force me.

The more I eat, the more anxious and depressed I get.

The more I gain weight the more I want to die.

I’m a complete crazy mess.

I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it.